begin again...and again

I wish I could wake up every single day feeling like a complete badass. But some days I just wake up and everything hurts. This morning it was my right shoulder, it felt like someone was trying to put a knife between the muscle and bone. Yesterday it was my right hip, quad, lower back, and a knee that had become swollen for no reason. Tomorrow I might feel fine. Warm weather helps. Coffee and cold feet makes it hurt worse. So far all that the many doctors I've seen can deduce is that it isn't in my blood, but rather it has something to do with my nerves and it may be autoimmune. I finally was able to get an appointment at the University of Washington Pain Clinic, after months of attempts. That gives me hope.

As frustrating and painful and costly as this whole process has been, I can't keep putting my life on hold. I first approached the whole situation with my trademark to-do list attitude, it was simply a problem that needed fixing. I made the appointments, I went to said appointments. I got tests done. I expected after that to get answers, get a treatment protocol, and get better.

But that hasn't happened yet.

At first I was frustrated. That eventually boiled into full blown anger. Over time it turned to deep sadness. I felt limited, and mourned all the things I couldn't do.

I know in the scheme of things I am incredibly blessed. I have a beautiful family that loves me and supports me. I have an one of a kind partner who has my back every single day. I have a home. My vision, my hearing, most of my motor functions, my friendships, my career. I am grateful for each and every one of them.

My blessing became crystal clear to me a few weeks back. I was sitting on the shores of Nissau in the Bahamas after a post-workout barefoot walk in the sand. Talk about a blessing. Few people ever get to visit a place like that, let alone get to travel there for work.

I looked out at the ocean, and realized, that even with every obstacle I have faced with my health over the past 6 months, each day I am given the most precious gift: a chance to start over. To begin again. To set aside my worries and chose to keep moving forward.

I have days where I am discouraged. Where I am in pain. Where I feel like giving up. But I also have days where I feel incredibly capable. And strong. And even lately days where I can work out again. I can't always chose how each day unfolds, but I can chose to not hold onto my bad days. I can let them go, and instead look forward to the potential of the next day, and another chance to begin again.

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